Closer and Closer

A while ago I decided to create a blog so that I could add it to my routine and hopefully make connections with people other than my immediate family and a few friends. I thought it would be fun, and sometimes it is, but I never thought it would be so hard to find consistency in writing blog posts. To help myself focus when I started the blog, I had the idea to work through the book Atomic Habits. I thought reading the book would help me stick to a routine of reading and writing. That has not been the case, I still have not finished the book and I have written very little for my blog. I am upset with myself that I did not have or could not find the discipline to write and post more regularly.

On a positive side I have been somewhat successful in attaining new and some necessary habits from reading the first half of the Atomic Habits book. I do have things in my daily routine that I focus on getting done each day. Examples of this are: personal hygiene stuff, exercise, eating better, putting things away, and general cleaning up. All of these things can be difficult to accomplish on some days but one of the most important to me is keeping the house clean. I find too many distractions and go into sensory overload if things are a mess or disorganized. I work more diligently to stay current with house cleaning details and I want to work on my executive function skills which I feel will get me to the core of some outstanding issues yet to be resolved.

New Insight:

I believe that I am nearing a place where I can accept that most every day, I do not feel a continuity or linearity to my life. Things don’t really flow for me from one day to the next and it is hard to feel or keep a connection to something over a mid to long period of time. It is hard for me to build a momentum or even add to things incrementally because eventually I will lose the connection. I have found myself working obsessively in unhealthy ways trying to complete something before my energy and focus would disappear. I have been wrestling with a pattern where I would eventually lose the connections and just move on to something else. Once my energy and focus leave me it is very hard to get it back again and finish a particular project. Sometimes when I do complete something it is difficult to feel a sense of accomplishment. Even if others think what I did was great it is hard for me to authentically feel whatever accomplishment feels like. Of course, I can expertly mask all this stuff for others (and sometimes myself) but only for short periods of time. Masking is also energy consuming and leaves me with a feeling that I would describe as numb and like my body is hollow inside. I have been aware of this for many years and I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to change it. I have never been able to find the right tool and I realize that is because there was never a solid solution to my problem. Because it is “really” not a problem— It is just the way I am wired. I can see that and admit that now.

More on this later.

Have a nice week.